HAPPY CAT BOXING DAY FROM CAT REPORTS

This is the worst Cat Boxing Day ever.

Judging by the amount of National Cat Day celebrations we saw yesterday, we mistakenly thought it was National Dickhead Day. We'll leave you all to your arbitrary, meaningless holiday, while the rest of us continue to celebrate the day after. 

So, Happy Cat Boxing Day.

FAQ's: WALK-IN REFRIGERATORS

It's called a "walk-in," not a "walk-out."

By special guest contributor Sam.
People tend to have lots of questions regarding walk-in refrigerators. The main question always seems to be, “Why are you in my refrigerator?” While we may not have an answer to that, we do have answers to these other frequently posed queries.

Q.) What size refrigerator should I get?
A.) Get one that’s big enough so your butt isn’t resting on a meatloaf, but small enough so that your butt is resting on a glazed ham.

Q.) What is the recommended temperature for my walk-in fridge?
A.) Shit, we don’t really care. It’s your stupid fridge.

Q.) How much do they typically cost?
A.) Jesus, how many questions do we have to answer?

Q.) Should I buy an extended warranty?
A.) You should try killing yourself.

Q.) What type of insulation should I use?
A.) That’s it. This Q & A session is over.

CONNECT YOUR LAPTOPS TO CREATE AN EMERGENCY SHELTER

I'll make for base camp in the morning...

By special guest contributor, Dr. Waffles.
If the weather in the living room takes a turn for the worse, try linking up multiple laptop computers to create a short term shelter. Not only will it protect you from the indoor elements, it’s also a great way to make sure nobody else can get any work done at all.

Build an electronic shelter in three easy steps:
1.) Find a safe location: Choose a spot covered in important documents like credit card statements or health insurance forms.
2.) Build your shelter: Use anything from iPads to iPhones to iWoodchips.
3.) Rest and regain your strength: You’ll need it if you’re planning on running up and down the stairs all night.

TOP 3 METHODS FOR CLOGGING A DRAIN

Your move, drain...

We know how it is… You’re in the tub, the faucet is on, and then you suddenly notice that the water actually going down the drain. This can be a horrifying realization, and it requires immediate action. But don’t panic. Here are step-by-step instructions for clogging that drain and getting water stopped immediately:

STEP 1: Shed as much fur as you can (and as quickly as you can).
STEP 2: Put about three dollars worth of loose change down the drain (this keeps the demons away).
STEP 3: Stare at the drain to show it who’s boss.
STEP 4: Watch an episode of Who’s the Boss (this also keeps the demons away).
STEP 5: Repeat Step 3.
STEP 6: Repeat Steps 2 and 4.
STEP 7: Repeat the first half of Step 6.
STEP 8: Skip directly to Step 10.
STEP 9: Repeat Steps 2, 4 and 5.
STEP 10: Don’t do Step 8 again.
STEP 11: Repeat Steps 3 through 7 (but not 4 and 6).
STEP 12: Repeat Step 2, but use Romanian currency.
STEP 13: Enjoy a freshly clogged drain.

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM CAT REPORTS

The staff at Cat Reports would like to wish all of you a Merry Christmas. During these hectic times, it's important to stop and reflect on the important things the holidays have to offer.

Ingredients for a perfect holiday:

Eat plenty of wrapping paper this Christmas. 

- Sleep
- Throw up
- Eat
- Family
- Eat your family
- Pee on the furniture
- Eat some more
- Sleep a bit more
- Poop on a couch
- Eat other things
- Pee on something else
- Watch Richard Dreyfuss films

TELL ME MORE ABOUT THIS "RUNNING WATER"

Hang on... My mind is currently being blown.

Despite the recent advances in technology (i.e. the internet, cell phones, Bluetooth, Saran Wrap… etc.), there are still things that boggle our minds. The most confusing of these things (with the exception of that floating red dot we sometimes see on the wall) is the metal spout with a seemingly endless supply of water.

To determine how much water it could possibly hold, we broke it down into a few simple facts.

Fact: 70% of the earth is covered in water.
Fact: Over 90% of the earth’s water is in the oceans.
Fact: About 1.7% of it is in the ice caps.
Fact: Wheel of Fortune has been on the air since 1975.
Therefore: The earth has hundreds of gallons of water.

Literally hundreds.

CHOOSING AN LED, CFL OR INCANDESCENT PILLOW

Many consumers get easily confused about the differences between various light bulb types. We’re no strangers to confusion. In fact, we’ve been lost in a paper bag for the last four hours.

When it comes to light bulbs, some people will tell you that “LED bulbs use less electricity” or “CFL bulbs cost the same” or “light bulbs aren’t supposed to be eaten.” Regardless, when you’re deciding to sleep on a light bulb, here are some very helpful tips for determining the type of bulb to use.  

Incandescent: Uses more electricity. Becoming obsolete. Gets warm. Will inevitably make you dream about Cap’n Crunch.

LED: Uses less electricity. Becoming more popular. Will most likely make you dream about Pat Sajak. 

CFL: Comes from the Latin phrase, Carpe Flatulencia Lighticus. It will undoubtedly cause night farting.

Special thanks to guest contributor, Oryx.